Chapter 45: Embrace the Suck

Happy Friday, friends! Because it’s Friday once again (these days sure blend together when we’re home, wearing the same pajamas every day don’t they?!) it means that after radiation today, I will be 3 weeks done with treatment! This is the half-way mark, session 15 out of 30. Hooray!

Week 3 of chemo and radiation has not been so bad. The fatigue is more intense, but as long as I get 10+ hours of sleep at night I can function. Hello, 8:30pm bedtime! Actually, it feels pretty amazing. Also, thank you to my dear lifelong friend Molly for sending me loads of delicious coffee to keep me awake long enough to write this post!

Apart from fatigue, the only fun new symptom this week was a free haircut! Well, “free” for me but insurance is paying quite a boatload for it I guess. It’s good timing really, since COVID has shut down my hair salon for the foreseeable future. Hair loss from radiation usually occurs in one or two big patches. My first bald spot appeared directly over my surgical site, on the right side of my skull.

Rather than sulking about it, I decided to embrace what I’m calling my inner “British punk rock alter ego” and give myself a partial shave haircut. It shows off a pretty badass scar and actually doesn’t look half bad if I do say so myself!

Today I have an 8-hour workday consisting entirely of Zoom calls. Deep breath, we can do this.

Between zoom calls and working on my book manuscript, my blog writing time is limited, so today I want to welcome back our favorite guest author, my mama!

My mom, a fabulous writer herself, wrote the following story about “Embracing the suck.” This is a military term that we learned when my brother was attending school at the United States Military Academy West Point. I think today is a fabulous day to post my mom’s story for two reasons. First, I fully “embraced the suck” with my hair loss this week. Second, and more importantly, my incredible brother was promoted to captain today in the US Army!! This is a huge accomplishment and I am so proud of him. Enjoy the following story from mom:

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A number of our friends have asked me how we are enduring this situation – a situation that one might well say sucks. It is a sucky deal in many ways. Yup. It sucks.

Some of you may be familiar with a military expression, “embrace the suck.”

Verb, Military Slang: To consciously accept or appreciate something that is extremely unpleasant but unavoidable for forward progress

If you have been following Courtney’s blog, you may recall she mentioned her brother’s deployment about a year ago. This chapter isn’t about him (although as his mother, I have been known to mention his accomplishments from time to time…). I mention his background so you can understand the title.

Before Courtney’s brother attended West Point, I had never heard this phrase before. Frankly, the military has its own jargon, much of which I don’t truly understand. In an effort to understand his experience, I joined Facebook pages that are solely for mothers of West Point cadets and graduates. There are many women on those pages who shared the ups and downs of military life and taught me quite a bit about the military along the way. Often, the mothers who accompanied me on the West Point journey would talk about how our offspring needed to simply embrace the suck.

My son and his classmates undertook arduous tasks in their quest to satisfy the academy’s demand for physical, academic and leadership excellence. I will give you just one very small example. During the first six weeks of training, which is known as “Beast “at West Point, the new cadets are required to enter a gas chamber with a gas mask on, but then must remove the gas mask and remain in the chamber for a set period of time. This is one of hundreds of such activities, but I’m choosing it because most of us can imagine just how unpleasant it would be to breathe in a gas chamber with no gas mask. By the time they are allowed to leave the chamber, their eyes and noses are streaming with tears and snot. They cough, choke and occasionally vomit. It is a truly sucky experience.

They cannot simply hold their breath. They are put in the situation in a way that compels them to engage in the full experience. The forward progress intended is the hope they will learn they can survive a great deal of physical discomfort. That knowledge may help them as future soldiers. They may find themselves in a situation that requires them to dig down deep inside themselves for the fortitude and grit required to endure something extremely unpleasant or painful.

By definition, they are “embracing the suck.” They are consciously accepting or appreciating something that is extremely unpleasant, but unavoidable, for forward progress.

But why do we have to embrace the suck? Why can we not simply endure the suck? Can’t we just ignore the suck and wait until it passes?

I had one or two nights after learning of my daughter’s diagnosis when I lay awake and imagined waking up to learn her diagnosis was just a bad dream. Those were my worst nights. They were my worst nights because they didn’t help me with any forward progress. I was trying to ignore the suck. I was trying to endure the suck. I wasn’t embracing it.

Once I opened my heart to the experience, I found I could start to look for the silver linings, as my daughter was. (I found so many and I am still finding more!) I believe embracing the suck means opening up your mind and your heart to whatever monstrous situation is before you. Once you have accepted it, you may find you can move forward. You may find you have made forward progress because you have learned something about yourself. Perhaps you learned you are stronger than you realized.

For some of us, we have times when our entire life feels like it sucks. It’s hard to embrace that. Maybe all we can do is embrace each day as it comes, and hope we are making forward progress spiritually, emotionally or physically.

Somewhere along the line, Courtney has learned to embrace the suck. You can see this in her chapters. She is not simply enduring something unpleasant. She is utilizing her cancer experience for forward progress.

As I contemplated this topic, I wondered what the Dalai Lama has to say about embracing the suck. (I was pretty sure he wouldn’t use this phrase.) I never thought much about Buddhism before my daughter started down this spiritual path, but I am struck by the Buddhist concept that if one ignores the reality set before one, one simply prolongs or extends one’s suffering.

I don’t think my daughter can be accused of ignoring the reality set before her. Instead, she is inspiring us to not just endure life’s situations, but to embrace them.

Some Buddhist readings indicate that Gautama Buddha (568 – 488 BC) once said, “Endurance is one of the most difficult disciplines, but it is to the one who endures that the final victory comes.”

I am not certain what Buddha considers to be the final victory. I am not even sure I want to know. I will say I truly believe that endurance or “embracing the suck” can lead us to higher ground.

Courtney stands firmly on that higher ground. She has stair-mastered her way spiritually and physically up a seemingly impossibly steep hillside. We can’t see the mountains yet to be scaled. We just ask that you please stay with her on this journey.

Lovingly,

The mom

Ok, my mom is really an incredible writer! Her story made me cry, smile, and laugh all at the same time.

So, embrace this Friday. Embrace the suck. Embrace your badass new hair. Embrace your new status as Captain, amazing brother!

Fondly,

Courtney

© CB2020