Chapter 86: I am alive, but more importantly, I am living.
Hello friends,
It’s been a minute since I’ve posted a blog, so I want to take a few quick sentences to re-introduce myself. I’m Courtney, a 30-year-old internal medicine physician living and working in Minnesota. I diagnosed myself with a brain tumor while studying medicine in Thailand in January of 2020. Since then, I’ve had two intense brain surgeries which diagnosed me with anaplastic astrocytoma, or a grade 3 malignant brain cancer.
You might think, “oh no” or “I’m so sorry,” but let me stop you right there!
Since my diagnosis, I have finished my medical residency, worked on the frontlines of the COVID-19 pandemic, written a blog (that you’ve now stumbled upon) which gained an unexpected worldwide following, finished 6-months of chemotherapy and 6-weeks of radiation therapy, written and published a book, Difficult Gifts: A Physicians Journey to Heal Body and Mind, accepted a job offer to start working as a primary care physician this summer, started a side gig of motivational speaking which has allowed me to talk to audiences around the world, written articles for magazines, told my story to newspapers and podcasts, and so much more. Phew! My ninth-grade English teacher would not like that insane run-on sentence structure, but I had to prove a point.
Cancer did not bring me sadness. Cancer opened my eyes up to a whole new world, a world where I am not simply alive, I am living.
There is no need for “I’m sorry.” Please no more “Oh, you poor thing” with looks of shock and sadness. Cancer woke me up. It taught me the valuable lessons of impermanence, unpredictability, mindfulness, and the ability to find happiness despite suffering. Cancer might shorten my lifespan, but it will make the time I have so much more meaningful. Quality over quantity, baby.
I am alive, but more importantly, I am living. Are you?
My blog previously focused on updates about my diagnosis and treatment with some life lessons I’ve learned interspersed along the way. Today, nearly 15 months after my diagnosis, I’ve decided to take this blog in a different direction.
I love to write and I am still writing. Perhaps a second book will be coming….
But, I don’t have the bandwidth to write a second book, perform speaking events, work as a full time physician, and write an active blog. A mentor once told me, “The most important lesson you can learn [for your self-care] is to say no.”
I’m saying “no” to doing it all. Instead, I’ll use this platform in a similar way I use my social media accounts. I will share photos, thoughts, quotes, and facts in small, bite-sized pieces. Some posts will be my own, some will be credited to people I find inspirational, and some will be facts about brain cancer to raise awareness for this incredibly underfunded condition.
Fact #1) Brain cancer is incurable (for now).
Fact #2) Brain cancer is never considered to be “in remission.” The best you can hope for is a “stable scan,” of which I have now been fortunate enough to have many times. My next scan is in a few weeks. Scan-xiety will commence soon.
Fact #3) 700,000 Americans are living with a brain tumor today, but less than 1/3 of these are cancerous/malignant. I’m in that lucky <1/3….
Fact #4) More than 84,000 people will be diagnosed with a primary brain tumor in 2021 (per the American Brain Tumor Association’s statistics)
Today’s Inspiration: “Remember not to care about the things you don’t even care about.” ~Cleo Wade, Heart Talk
I love to meet you, new readers. Please reach out through a comment or email and get in touch!
Fondly,
Courtney
©CB2021