Chapter 87: A Stable-ish Scan

Last week, I had a 3-month follow up MRI scan to see if my anaplastic astrocytoma was stable, or if it had progressed. I have these scans every 2-3 months and will likely continue this for years to come.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, the funny (and highly annoying) thing about malignant brain cancer is that there is no such thing as “remission.” You either have stable scans or you have progression of disease. So far, since finishing treatment six months ago, I have had relatively stable scans.

Unfortunately, medical technology is not quite advanced enough to fully differentiate between small bits of tumor growth and brain scarring from radiation treatment, so my most recent scan had a “spot in question.” My doctors and I are hopeful and quite convinced this tiny little spot is just a scar from radiation therapy blasting my tumor to dust, but it’s back to the never-ending life of “Could it be…?” and “When will..?”

I wrote a blog months and months ago about “When will” being a terrible question. There is no answer to this question and all it does it lead to worry.

When will my cancer progress?

When will the COVID vaccine stop working?

When will life be back to normal?

When will, when will, when will.

See? It’s terrible. I play a mental game with “When will.” When I have these thoughts, I change “When will” to “Today, I will.”

I woke up today full of “When will” thoughts, so I decided it was a good morning to write a blog. “Today, I will” write a blog and stop my mind from spiraling to dark, scary places. For those of you that follow my social media, some of the following nuggets of information may be a bit familiar. But I feel confident that it’s decent material, so I’m sharing it with blog readers as well.

FINDING JOY
After speaking at a number of motivational events about my story to find happiness despite many unexpected challenges as a young woman (not limited to divorce, depression, and malignant cancer all during medical residency), I found that I tended to get the same questions over and over. They are great questions, so I’ll try to answer them here.
“How do you find joy? How did you take such a horrible situation and learn to accept it so quickly?”
The short answer is that not every day is perfect and there are still many hard days. But I do have some simple and practical thoughts I use to find joy.
1. Like exercise, some moments of joy can only be found through hard, challenging growth.
2. Also like exercise, oftentimes very miserable situations can teach the most valuable lesson: you CAN do it. You will get through it. Not only that, but you will come out STRONGER.
3. Like a very tough, sometimes painful bike ride, you can train your mind to realize the suffering is impermanent. It is temporary and after it ends, your body is not only stronger, your mind is too. 💪🧠

MINDFULNESS
I also get this question a lot, “How do you stop yourself from thinking about cancer all the time? Like when it will come back and how long you have?”
This thought is always passing through my mind. Every day it passes through. But for me, the hot topic of “mindfulness” isn’t just a hot topic. It’s how I live my life.
I learned about mindfulness practice through the writings of many inspirational Buddhist teachers and philosophers. Mindfulness is more than just sitting on a meditation cushion (although that works too).
Mindfulness for me is training the mind. It’s looking at my mind as a clear blue sky. When thoughts creep in, like “when will my cancer grow again? How much time do I have?” I feel upset and scared like everyone else. But, I’ve learned to think of these thoughts as storm clouds. Clouds that simply pass across my clear blue sky mind. They are temporary and the clear blue sky reminds strong and shining underneath.
Mindfulness is one of my tools to find joy. This weekend, I practiced mindfulness by channeling my inner child and swinging at the park. No boring meditation cushions needed. 😊 ⛅️ ☀️

SURVIVORS
June 6th, 2021 was Cancer Survivor’s Day. A cancer survivor is anyone living with cancer from the moment of diagnosis throughout the rest of life.
Cancer changes a person. Even if you “beat it,” you are forever changed. You learn to enjoy each day despite the fact that you wake up every morning wondering “is today the day my cancer will come back?”

Cancer survivors know pain. We have physical and mental scars. Cancer survivors know fear. We learn to live with it without letting it crush us. Cancer survivors know hope. It’s our most important currency.
Cancer survivors learn to listen to people complain about the weather, bad hair days, and endless other trivial things and wonder “Did I really used to worry about these things?”
For all of you amazing cancer survivors: You are the definition of strength, of courage, of a life well lived. We walk through fire and come out stronger than we ever knew was possible 🔥💪

HAPPINESS IN HARDSHIP
When the incredible powerhouse duo behind the Gold Ivy Health Co Team asked me to sit for their podcast “Ivy Unleashed,” I said yes immediately.
I hope you all take a listen to this episode, but also every episode of this inspirational, educational podcast.
Happiness in hardship: yes, it’s possible. Gifts out of difficulty: yes, those are possible too. 🎁 🌟
I won’t write any more about this here. I mean, I already recorded a 60-minute podcast about it filled to the brim with tools I use to find happiness in hardship. This podcast felt powerful to record. I found myself more comfortable that I have ever been speaking about my story while recording this, and I can’t possibly do it justice trying to write about it. This one needs to be listened to. I invite you to listen at https://open.spotify.com/episode/0WjLU9L4Jf8h5Jc0lls9md?si=_N4-C1DuRt-jBm2gYDs2ZA&nd=1 or at https://goldivyhealthco.com/podcast/

Last but not least, I have a small request. Being a new, independently published author is no cake walk. Over the past year, I’ve learned the ins and outs of a completely new industry- one that includes not only writing a book (my god, that is the EASY part!), but also marketing a book, building a social media presence (which does not come naturally to me), building a website, packing and shipping books (I have a new found appreciation for anyone running a small Etsy business. Good lord creating shipping labels is a ton of work!), creating a menu of speaking topics and finding corporations who actually want a relatively unknown person to speak to their group of hundreds to thousands, searching for a literary agent for my second book (it’s coming, eventually. If you know of an agent, sent them my way!), cold-calling and cold-emailing (??) multiple experts in the book industry to get their feedback and expertise, and- last but definitely not least- finding local independent book stores who want to sell Difficult Gifts in their stores. Phew. Now, I’ll take a nap.

Anyways, without further ado, I tell you all of this partly out of selfishness. As a lifelong reader and frequent buyer of books, I never quite understood the incredible hard work that goes into publishing a book. It is SO much more than writing a book, especially for a first-time author without connections or credibility. I also tell you this because I want to give a shout-out to the amazing local bookstores who took a chance on my book. I hope you can help me support them by searching for Difficult Gifts (and their many other amazing titles) in store, or ordering online. These stores took a chance on me, and I don’t’ want to disappoint.

These stores include: Magers and Quinn (Minneapolis, MN), SubText Books (St. Paul, MN), and Winding Trails (St. Paul, MN).

If no one buys these, I guess I’ll resort to putting on one of my old chemotherapy wigs with some sunglasses and (in full disguise) buy out these store’s stock of Difficult Gifts. Kidding!! Or, am I?

Thanks for reading.

Remember- You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can absolutely control how you respond. “When will I?” is absolute crap. “Today, I will” gives you power. It gives you control. It lets you take charge of your own life. No one else will do this for you.

Fondly,

Courtney

©CB2021

Chapter 88: No such thing as “back to normal”

Chapter 86: I am alive, but more importantly, I am living.