Chapter 43: Why Worry?

Chiang Mai, Thailand. January 2020.

I’m getting close to finishing up week two of chemotherapy and radiation as the weekend approaches. Before this happens, however, I have three thoughts to share with you.

1) What it feels like to be on week two of treatment for malignant brain cancer:

I’ll keep this first thought short and sweet today. I’m current undergoing daily chemotherapy (I am on oral chemotherapy instead of IV chemotherapy. This is a nice, more convenient way to “poison” myself at home instead of going into an infusion center.) and daily radiation. This means I spend every day Monday-Friday in a radiation therapy center for about 30 minutes per day. It sounds like a lot at first, but it has become a part of my daily routine. I actually look forward to seeing my great radiation therapists, catching up with them, and spending a few minutes meditating while frightening beams of energy enter my skull and (hopefully) stop my cancerous cells from growing.

Apart from weird appetite changes and extreme fatigue, I feel completely fine. I am thankful every day I am tolerating this treatment and am able to keep working, exercising, and writing despite the fatigue. Thanks to Amazon for shipping me a very large drip coffee machine in <2 days and thanks to my lifelong friend Jamie for dropping off a bag of Starbucks coffee to help me stay awake throughout the day. Apparently, it’s a good idea to actually buy coffee when you order a coffee machine for full effectiveness. Noted for next time.

2) Why worry?

Over the past 40+ chapters (wow! I think I’ve almost written a book by now huh?) I’ve shared many quotes from my life gurus- His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, among others, yet none of these quotes stand out to me so much as the quote I am about to share today. To be honest, I don’t remember when or where I first read this quote from the Dalai Lama, but it stuck with me. I think of it and meditate on it often. I may have even shared parts of if in my blogs before. Every time I find my mind wandering into the past or into the future, I think of the following quote and find my mind drifting effortlessly back to the present. I hope it brings you as much peace as it brings me:

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it is not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”

I think these words speak for themselves and feel that you should interpret these words in whatever way is most impactful for you. What I will say, though, is that living my life without worry is the most refreshing thing I have ever experienced.

I have cancer, that’s true. Instead of worrying about this, I take a two-step approach I created based on the wise words above.

First, I ask myself. “Is this problem fixable? Is there something I can do about it?” Yes! I can continue chemotherapy and radiation. Unfortunately, because I am human, I naturally jump to another scary question, “but, what if these treatments don’t work?” After this momentary panic (which I try to forgive myself for on the basis that having compassion for yourself needs to happen before you can have it effectively for others), I move on to the second step.

Now the second step: I remind myself that there is no benefit in worrying, and I ask myself the first question again. Oh, right, right. I already answered that question. At this moment, I am doing something to remedy the situation. I am doing chemo and radiation. Good for me! So, you see, worrying has no place here.

Maybe it is helpful to apply this two-step approach to a more widespread issue instead of assuming my personal issues will be of interest to you. I use this technique when I start to worry about pandemic-related issues as well. I’ll describe how I use this two-step approach in our current pandemic situation:

First, I think, “Is this problem fixable? Is there something I can do about it?” Yes! I can continue to wash my hands, practice social distancing, wear a mask, etc etc.

Unfortunately, because I am human, the same pattern repeats itself. I naturally jump to more scary thoughts, “but, how long will this go on for? Will small businesses fail? Will I ever be able to see my friends again? Will we ever eat in restaurants again?”

This is when the second step comes in handy: I remind myself that there is no benefit in worrying, and I ask myself the first question again. Oh goodie, I already answered that one! Ok, good for us! We are doing something to fix the situation. Worrying has no place here, either.

The Dalai Lama said the words. I used his wisdom and applied it to my own life in the two-step approach outlined above. For me, it works wonders. I can’t guarantee it will do the same for you. But hey, next time you find yourself worrying about something, maybe give it a try. Let me know what you think.

Practicing altruism, preventing the suffering of others, is how I feel I can define my ultimate purpose in life. Of this, I am sure. I try to do this as a physician, but more importantly, I use this blog to try to do this as a human being, as a person with the same fears, hopes, and “worries” as the next person. I hope these random thoughts of the day help alleviate your own suffering in some small way.

3) Making the most of this present moment

Because my brain tumor is on the right side of my brain, if/when it grows, it will affect the left-side of my body. When this tumor grows, it will likely cause numbness and other sensory changes first, followed by muscle/motor issues including possible left-sided paralysis. Even though emotionally this is hard to think about, I know from a medical standpoint that these symptoms are likely to occur eventually. Fortunately, my tumor is located far away from my speech and language-processing centers, so I am hopeful that these things will never be affected, but no one can know for sure.

I do not spend time worrying about these medical uncertainties. Instead, every single day that I wake up with full function of my left arm and leg, I start my day smiling.

When I wake up and realize I have no numbness or tingling on my left side, when I remember I still have the ability to pick up my coffee mug with my left hand and the ability to take a step forward with my left foot, I drink my delicious coffee (thanks again, J!) and go for a walk outside with complete, pure joy. I can no longer take the physical abilities of my body for granted. A functioning body is something we should cherish and thoroughly enjoy. We aren’t promised unlimited time to appreciate the miraculous abilities our human body allows us to have.

Sure, sometimes, I find my mind starts to wander into the future and the “when will” questions start to flood in. When will I start to have numbness in my left leg? When will I no longer be able to walk? When will my treatment stop working? When will I leave this life? I can’t answer these questions. Doctors can’t answer these questions.

I think there is a reason no one can answer these questions. Even if you can’t directly relate to my personal issues, you might find yourself asking the universe similar questions.

How long will I be healthy? How long will I be alive? Will I be in a bad accident and become paralyzed? When will this happen? Will I catch COVID-19? Will I ever lose the ability to swallow, to eat? Will I lose my vision, my hearing, my speech? Will I lose my memory? When will I die?

For me, it’s even worse to think about these hypothetical scenarios affecting a family member or friend. When will my loved one become sick? When will my loved one die? Will my loved one experience a horrific trauma, become paralyzed? Will he lose the ability to speak? Will she lose the ability to see? To hear? How long do I have on earth with him/her? What if this is less time than I think? Will I have to live without him? Will she have to live without me? Will we be sad when this happens? How will we survive without him? How will we survive without her?

Yikes...

How do you think about these questions? Do you find yourself feeling anxious or upset just reading them, considering them even for a second? Do you find your heart starts racing or your palms start sweating? Do you feel your mind races ten steps ahead and imagines the worst possible outcomes to all of these hypothetical scenarios? I think this is a natural way to feel. I feel it, too.

When this happens, I return to my second thought of the day, my two-step approach to worrying.

First, I think, “Are any of these questions answerable? Are any of these problems fixable?” In this situation, the answer is no.

Unfortunately, because I am human, the same pattern repeats itself. I find myself falling into the deep well of questions listed above, all of them without answers.

So then, I perform the second step. I remind myself (again and again and again) that there is no benefit in worrying, and I ask myself the first question again. “Are any of these questions answerable? Are any of these problem fixable?” Nope. Well, shit. Now what?

Now, I reflect on what the Dalai Lama says about this situation:

“If it is not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”

And with that, I stop worrying. I use my left hand to drink my delicious, perfect sip of black Starbucks dark roast coffee and I use my left leg to take another scary, excited step forward into the mystery of this life. That’s really all any of us can do, isn’t it?

Fondly,

Courtney

© CB2020