Chapter 42: We are stronger than this sickness
When radiation made my hair fall out, I decided to embrace my inner British punk rock alter ego for a while.
Today, I was out on a run when I realized something amazing. I feel normal. My body and my mind both feel totally normal.
If I had tripped on my run, hit my head, and lost my memory of everything that has happened in the past 3 months, I would pity the poor soul tasked with trying to fill me in, because the simplified list includes quite a number of things:
- Going through a divorce, working in Thailand, having a few seizures, diagnosing myself with a brain tumor in Thailand, learning about a “new virus” finding its way to Thailand, taking an emergency flight home to undergo my first of multiple brain surgeries, going back to work full time until the clinic shut down because the “new virus” led to a horrific global pandemic, deciding to follow a Buddhist path, making new friends and losing old friends (no, not the ones you think you will), getting a second brain surgery and spending the night in the ICU completely alone because the hospital no longer allows visitors, returning to work full time again now as a telemedicine physician because clinics remain closed, isolating myself in my house and ordering an absurd amount of take-out because the entire country is shut down, starting chemotherapy and radiation therapy to my brain, doing virtual cross-fit workouts in my home on FaceTime because gyms are now closed, going for daily runs, wearing a mask at all times in public, and writing about all of this in a blog to chronicle this absurd new reality as it unfolds in real-time… among others.
I would literally laugh in that poor storyteller’s face. Um, excuse me? Are you narrating a really strange, sad movie for me? None of that sounds even remotely possible. I am a healthy 29 year-old physician. There is no way all of those things have happened in the past 3 months. And yet, here we are.
My reality is an absurd reality at the moment. Really, everyone’s is, but mine has had perhaps a few more surprises then most.
If we keep imagining this fictitious world in which I have retrograde amnesia, I would ask the poor storyteller, “How in the world am I coping with all of these changes? How is the world coping with all of these changes? Are we sad and scared all of the time? Are we miserable? Am I miserable?”
Well, fake amnesiac version of Courtney, let me tell you something. Surprisingly, you not only went through all of those things, but you happened to find happiness in the process.
In my inner monologue, the amnesiac version of myself is now rolling her eyes at the poor storyteller, preemptively annoyed at her because she seems ready to spout out some annoying spiritual message. Well, she would be right.
In The Art of Happiness, my current read (highly recommend!), His Holiness the Dalai Lama talks about how problems are bound to arise in our daily lives. We can’t’ avoid problems, just as we can’t avoid suffering. These are natural parts of life. He goes on to say that trying to avoid our problems “may provide temporary relief.” However, “if you directly confront your suffering, you will be in a better position to appreciate the depth and nature of the problem.”
He relates this idea to a military battle which I find very interesting. He says “If you are in a battle, as long as you remain ignorant of the status and combat capability of your enemy, you will be totally unprepared and paralyzed by fear. However, if you know the fighting capability of your opponents, what sort of weapons they have and so on, then you’re in a much better position when you engage in the war. In the same way, if you confront your problems rather than avoid them, you will be in a better position to deal with them.”
There you have it, friends. The incredibly wise 14th Dalai Lama hits it right on the mark once again. Our country is in a battle with COVID-19, my brain is in a battle with cancer. Even once these battles stop, all of our bodies will always be in a battle between health and illness, birth and death. Our minds will always be in a battle between happiness and suffering, between wisdom and ignorance. These battles are universal and never-ending.
What can we do to prepare so that fear does not overwhelm us during these battles? We need to know the fighting capability of our opponents so that we can confront them with the force that is required. COVID-19, as we’re seeing, is a pretty tough fighter. Stay home, wear your masks, wash your hands, keep your social distance, donate to others less fortunate in this pandemic when you can and however you can, don’t be an idiot rioting to “liberate” your state from …wait, what were they trying to liberate themselves from? Well, you get the point. Brain cancer is a tough opponent too. Even more than cancer, the cancer treatments are tough opponents. I started off this blog saying I feel totally normal. In one way, this is true, for part of the day at least. However, this is not true 24/7. Chemo and radiation make me tired, very tired. I need 10 hours of sleep at a minimum to function. My appetite is garbage, so I have to work at getting in as many calories as possible when an occasional appetite wave hits. I have to take a number of medications simply to prevent side-effects from my other medications, and yet most of these medications just make me tired, so that’s fun. For my medical friends, polypharmacy guys. It’s no joke.
I know I’m fighting a tough opponent, so I prepare for battle by exercising every single day to keep my body strong. I read and write many hours each day and continue to work full-time as a resident physician to keep my mind and memory strong. I wear a mask everywhere I go and have probably personally destroyed the environment with the sheer volume of Lysol wipes I have used in the past week; I create a sterile living environment to keep my body safe given my current lack of immune system.
Today, my motto is: We are stronger than this sickness.
Whatever sickness you’re facing today- COVID, fear of COVID, pain, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, cancer, you name it – remember this motto. Remember that you are stronger than you think. Don’t be a victim when you can be a warrior. Thanks for reading.
Fondly,
Courtney
© CB2020