Chapter 41: Celebrating chickpeas and cardio

Laura Ann Photography

I’m sitting here, wondering how on earth almost a full week of chemotherapy and radiation has gone by already. So far, so good!

I only have two symptoms so far that I can tell:

1) Boredom: I don’t think this is due to chemo as I’ve heard subtle rumors that the whole world is suffering from this symptom right now. I mostly try to fill my time talking (virtually) to friends and family, reading, and exercising. I would attempt baking, however, symptom 2 prevents this.

2) Appetite changes: Wow, it seems like chemotherapy is pretty much equivalent to being in the first trimester of pregnancy (I mean, I wouldn’t know, but my incredibly gorgeous pregnant friend Kari can confirm this). For the past week, I have had extreme food aversion alternating with odd cravings. For those who know me, this is highly unusual. I love to eat pretty much everything. But now, I look at food and think “why would I ever eat something so bland and disgusting?” even if it’s the most delicious food in the world. Yes, even pesto. Ugh. Similarly to pregnancy, I also have strange food cravings, so I’ve pretty much been surviving on random, sudden snack urges. For the first three days, my craving was scrambled eggs (which I’ve never liked before…huh), but today, it seems to be a very disgusting combination of chickpeas and tuna (Eating a bowl of this today made me think I had literally never tasted anything so delicious in my entire life). What the hell!

Other than these quirks, I feel pretty much like myself. I had an exciting day of wig styling yesterday. Usually, salons will help cancer patients style their wigs (almost like getting a wig haircut); however, I had to do a little You Tube DIY wig styling based on our current reality (pictures below. I would say this attempt turned out pretty decent considering it started with a $40 piece of fake hair from the internet).

I’m not fully bald yet, don’t worry, I will definitely take some “bald is the new beautiful” pictures when this happens, but I’ve lost quite a bit of hair around my surgical site, and with radiation every day, I’m sure major hair loss will be coming soon.

One of the most important things I try to keep reminding myself is “we will get through this,” which I personally relate to the Buddhist idea of impermanence. Buddhists believe strongly in the idea of impermanence. It's sort of the Buddhist way to describe "this too shall pass."'One of my favorite quotes about impermanence comes from Thich Nhat Hanh who states:

“It is not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

To alleviate our suffering, it seems important that we remind ourselves and others that this pandemic is impermanent, that pain is impermanent, this cancer is impermanent, this chemotherapy food aversion is impermanent, that boredom is impermanent, this lifetime is impermanent.

Instead of complaining, I’m trying to make the most of every day and have hope that there will be many more days to come. A friend asked me recently if I still celebrated birthdays. Last year, I would have said, hmm…I guess sometimes, when I’m not working. This year, when I make it to my 30th birthday in November, my response will be “HELL YES, I celebrate birthdays!”

There is no time in this life to take things for granted. Celebrate everything and celebrate every single day.

Celebrate friendship. Celebrate a comfy day on the couch. Celebrate tuna and chickpeas. Celebrate boredom.

Celebrate exercise. I could easily say “I’m a patient, I’m going to lay on the couch all day,” but I refuse to do this. I want my body to be fit enough to survive any future cancer treatments I need, to survive any potential COVID I might catch, and to run some kind of awful marathon (preferably one that leads to wine and/or tuna/chickpea salads…? At the finish line) when the world re-opens. Sometimes, I think…maybe I can inspire other people to exercise (and contribute in some minor way to public health) by continuing to keep myself fit throughout my brain cancer battle. But really, even if I’m only inspiring myself, I think that’s important too.

I’m just wrapping up a day working in virtual urgent care. I took a lunch break and did an hour of Cross Fit from home virtually with my amazing friend Marisa. I took an exercise break to get this blog post typed up before I head out on a chilly run, followed by another exciting radiation treatment.

Isn’t it sad that our current reality leads me to feel “excited” to go to radiation and get out of the house?! Wild times. However, I do love my radiation therapy team. They are fantastic and make the sessions easy. I’m getting used to the idea of a daily energy zap to my head, and hoping it gives me some superpowers, too. Preferably flying, I’ve always wanted that one.

So far, my ability to write, type, and read seems intact. However, if this blog is not actually written in comprehensible English, someone will have to let me know, because my brain is interpreting it as normal :)

Fondly,

Courtney

© CB2020