Chapter 119: Time to be here
You are here because it is your time to be here.
On New Year’s Eve, I went to a “108 sun salutations” yoga class, an ancient practice used during times of change and celebration with spiritual, astrological, and numerical significance. This repetitive, intense exercise is supposedly a way to set intentions for the new year, realize your own strength, and stay grounded despite change.
Around the 30th sun salutation (yoga poses with continuous movement), I realized my mental and physical abilities were already struggling.
By the 108th, I was starting to lose sensation in my arms. But when we sat down for the closing remarks of class and the yoga instructor said “You are here because it is your time to be here,” I felt my eyes tear up and a smile sweep across my face.
It’s been a few days since then and those words are still echoing around my brain. So, I decided to share them.
It is your time to be here meant so much more to me than the literal- my physical body sitting on a sweaty yoga mat two floors above Grand Avenue. These words acknowledged that I am still alive, still walking, talking, eating, reading, speaking, and aging because it is my time to do so.
I often wonder why I get to have stable brain scans while others do not. I wonder why I am still able to work as a hospitalist, helping patients with their own serious illnesses instead of being in the hospital bed myself. I frequently question why I am asked to share my opinions on public stages when my perspective feels small and insignificant compared to the enormity of events occurring in our challenged, hurting world.
Perhaps, it is all simpler than this. Perhaps, I am doing these things simply because it is my time to do these things. It is my time to be here, as it is yours.
Today, I walked into my first meeting as a newly hired faculty advisor for medical students at the University of Minnesota Medical School, a role I’ve wanted to work in since meeting my own faculty advisor while training at Northwestern University years ago. Karin, if you’re reading this, know you changed my life! You advised me to listen to my inner voice more than the louder voices around me. Your own vulnerability in a field often lacking in this inspired me to stand in the strength of what I know to be true and sing (or speak, or write, or order prescriptions, or diagnosis a heart attack).
“Stand in the strength of what you know to be true and sing” was the brilliant life advice my vocal teacher, Jerry, gave me long ago. That phrase also stuck.
When I started writing this, I had no idea Karin and Jerry’s advice would come out of my fingers onto the keys, but that tends to be the way things go in my slightly impulsive brain. When I simply stand (or sit) and listen to my inner voice – one that is sometimes singing, other times screaming- I find something I want to say.
At this first faculty advisor meeting, I walked into a room of medical students embarking on their journey into residency. I wondered- why me? Why did I get this role? Why now? At this meeting, we shared vulnerable stories, reflected on challenges, and celebrated the gift of the present moment. 90 minutes later, I walked out of the room after an amazing experience, one that solidified the concept of why what I’m doing now is what I’m meant to be doing now.
On my way home, I drove past the clinic where I had a stable MRI 3 weeks ago (three years post-treatment!), and this simple yoga lesson crossed my mind once again.
I have no idea why I’m still here, but it is apparently my time to be here and for that I am damn grateful.
Personally, I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions, but I do believe that if you’re here with me entering 2024 with an open mind, a trusting heart, and an acknowledgment of the importance of your own inner voice, you are off to a beautiful start.
I am flawed in many ways. I am imperfect, frustratingly slow to “practice what I preach,” and more judgmental than I hope to be, but I am here, and that is enough.
Fondly,
Courtney
©️ CB2023
PS. Thank you to those who completed the survey on my last blog. Building the “Cancer AND” organization is one of my 2024 goals. However, my other goals include finding a literary agent for book #2, taking multiple trips around the world, growing skills in my medical career, speaking at a few exciting advocacy events, working with the incredible Humor to Fight the Tumor Board, and staying healthy, so my timeline might need some flexibility.
And- thanks to those who keep reading these thoughts. Especially when you could be watching cute dogs on a Tik Tok video instead!