Chapter 111- Hold on to your hat!
Title of this blog post is all thanks to my mom, who thought of the perfect response after I sent my family the photo above.
As many of you know, three years ago, I was in Chiang Mai, Thailand when my life changed forever. After seeing a large brain tumor on my own MRI scan, I became a patient in the Chiang Mai University Hospital for a few days before flying home for urgent brain surgery.
I never thought I would return to Thailand. At the time, in fact, I doubted I would ever be able to travel again in any capacity. I assumed brain surgery would leave me with many limitations. It left me with some, but what brain surgeries, a diagnosis of incurable brain cancer, chemotherapy and radiation therapy actually left me with was a beautiful new perspective on life. That, and MRI scans every 3-4 months plus a fully paid off insurance deductible for the rest of my life.
These days, I travel constantly. I am incredibly lucky to work in hospital medicine, a job that is fully consuming and intellectually stimulating while at work, but also allows me time off between shifts to see the world.
A few months ago, while researching trip possibilities, it dawned on me that I should return to Thailand. A few days before my diagnosis, I was enjoying a weekend at Elephant Nature Park, an ethical elephant sanctuary founded by the incredible Lek Chailert.
I found ENP online and decided to book their one-week volunteer program. Once this was set, my return trip to Thailand started to take shape.
Three years ago, my journey did not end on my own terms. I left with plans unfinished, sights unseen, and a tarnished memory of the happy, peaceful place I had found solace in pre-diagnosis.
Once I booked this return trip, I felt an overwhelming sensation of ‘Yes!’ This was it. This was the trip I needed to take. This was the trip I needed to take alone, to reclaim my experience and give closure to the journey another version of myself started years ago.
Leading up to the trip, I had many moments of panic. Would I be able to face this place again, filled with so many memories and so much heartache? I didn’t know.
What I did know is that this trip would be emotional, transformative, and brave.
Here I am, sitting at ENP after seven days at this amazing place and I feel whole. I watch an elephant in front of me playing in a mud pit. She once lived a life of suffering, facing physical and emotional abuse experienced by far too many Asian elephants in Thailand and elsewhere. Today, thanks to ENP, she stands in the mud without chains, without humans touching her, and she looks happy. Her ears flap in the breeze, her tail swings back and forth, and she looks at me with eyes that seem to say, “I still remember the past, but I cherish the present.”
I think these beautiful animals have much to teach us about foregiveness and emotional resilience.
Later, she walks by with food on her head, a hat she uses to shelter from the sun that also provides snacks throughout the afternoon. Where can I find one of these?
I’ll keep this blog post brief because I have much more to do on this journey. After leaving the elephants later today, I will return to Chiang Mai to experience this city with new eyes, eyes that still reflect past trauma, but also embrace the magic of the present.
Fondly,
Courtney
PS: Please research before going to see elephants. Elephant parks that offers rides, painting, circus acts, etc have elephants which have suffered intense trauma. Training an elephant for these acts involves taking her as a baby from her mother and putting her through physical abuse so that she will obey humans.
Hands-off, ethical elephant sanctuaries are few and far between (Shockingly, some “sanctuaries for orphaned elephants” are created by capturing baby elephatns after killing their mothers in order to find orphaned elephants. Awful!).
I highly, highly recommend Elephant Nature Park to visit and support. Their foundation, Save Elephant Foundation, can be found at https://saveelephant.org/