Chapter 89: Kintsugi, or the Art of Repair

Hello friends,  

I want to fill you in on so many thoughts and exciting happenings, but we will get to that in a minute.

First, here is a quote by Pema Chödrön:

Scientific tests have proved that people are more afraid of uncertainty than they are of physical pain.

I can’t vouch for the validity of this statement, but I think the underlying idea makes sense. Uncertainty is a terrifying feeling. For many of us, our instinct is to control, to plan, to make sense of why we are living, why we are suffering, why we get sick, and why we die. We don’t like the answers to these questions to be “I don’t know,” even though often they are.

I traveled to Italy this month and read several wonderful, inspiring books during my time there. I honestly can’t remember which of these books taught me the next lesson I’ll share with you, but I recommend all of them: Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frankyl, Essential Teachings of the Dalai Lama, and The Beauty in Breaking by Michele Harper.

In one of these books, I learned about an ancient Japanese art called Kintsugi. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. This art form essentially says: by embracing breaks and imperfections, we can make things stronger and more beautiful than they ever were before.  

How beautiful is that??

Kintsugi- image from Lakeside Pottery online

In Buddhism, the concept of enlightenment comes up frequently. This is the ideal, the “meeting of God,” so to speak. Enlightenment occurs (in a very simplified way of describing it) when a person discovers the truth about life and therefore stops being reborn into “samsara,” or the horrible never-ending cycle of life, suffering, and dying that human life consists of. This may be too much description for those of you who have no interest in Buddhism, but I think it brings up an interesting secular point as well.

Enlightenment is, very simply put, the ability to find nirvana (or heaven) right here, today, in this life. It is the idea that good things are here now. Once we open our eyes and train our minds to suffer less and love more, we have succeeded in this life.

Like Kintsugi, perhaps humans are like fragile pottery. We fall, we suffer, we break. We can stay broken, waiting for this life to end, or we can put ourselves back together with gold. We can start again- golden, whole, and stronger than before.

The issue is this: it’s up to us and us alone to do this. Our lives unfortunately don’t come with a Kintsugi artist to put us back together when we fall and shatter.

That’s what I’m learning to do- to find the gold and put myself back together every time a new crack appears. It’s never-ending work, this learning and unlearning, this breaking and mending, but it is life and these unexpected challenges, these cracks in our pottery, make us continuously more beautiful as we learn to repair.

The following passages are some short musings written during my recent trip; they may be familiar to those of you who follow me on social media.

BEGIN AGAIN 

During this glorious month off as I transition between working as a chief medical resident to a primary care provider, I took a trip to Italy. Italy is one of my favorite places in the world. The culture, the art, the landscape, the history, the people, the food, the wine- it’s all magical to me.

As excited as I was to travel internationally, I couldn’t help but feel some uncertainty leading up to this trip. Uncertainty, as Pema said, that made me feel more afraid than the any physical pain could have.

The last time I traveled internationally, I came home on an emergency medical flight with a surprise brain tumor. I literally flew from my hospital bed in Thailand directly to the neurosurgical ICU at home. 

Two brain surgeries, one long (and still evolving) pandemic, one final graduation, two career changes, one new house, one divorce and one new relationship later- I found myself traveling internationally once again. 

All of the uncertainty made some new cracks in my mental pottery. But, I used some mental gold, some mindfulness, to make myself stronger and ready to travel once again as a new, more beautiful me.

LA DOLCE VITA

Italy has always been a place that feels like a second home to me. Perhaps in another life, Firenze was my place. 🇮🇹

During our time in Florence, my partner and I booked tickets to climb the “Duomo.” For anyone who has been to Florence, you will undoubtably remember the Cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore, or the “Duomo” as it is referred to. This church is gorgeous. The colorful marble façade is topped with a brick red dome larger than you can even imagine. This dome was a true architectural masterpiece of its time and is still awe-inspiring today.

For those willing to suppress claustrophobia and risk heat stroke, you can purchase a ticket to climb to the top of the Duomo. I had done this once, years ago, when I first came to Florence as a college student studying art history.

Back then, as a 20-something physically fit cancer-free lady, I had no hesitation to make this climb. This trip, I planned to try once again. And again, the uncertainty of “can I do it?” was frightening.

But I tried. I climbed, and I succeeded. Reaching the top of the 463 steps to see a panoramic view of Florence was an emotional, surreal moment for me.

After the beautiful country of Italy was taken over by COVID-19, after my body was taken over by cancer, we were both reborn into very different, but perhaps more beautiful, lives. Our paces may be slower, our memories darker, but we have put some of our shields down knowing that la dolce vita is still here after all.

LIFE IS NOW
I was always a planner. A checklist gal. A 5-year-goal-setter. Then, cancer came along and ruined my ability to plan.

At first, this was hard to comprehend. Then, it became absolutely liberating. When you accept that you cannot plan, you cannot know- you become truly free.
No planning, just doing. No waiting to live, just living.
Should I eat the pasta 🍝? Absolutely.
Should I take the vacation ✈️? Yes, of course. But, shouldn’t I save my PTO? Not all of it!
Should I let fear or uncertainty hold me back? Absolutely not.

Don’t forget that you can’t wait for life to happen; it is happening right now. You will not get this moment back. Live it purposefully.

PURPOSE

My strategy to live stronger than cancer: Find purpose in each day.
Some days, that purpose is spending time on a beautiful balcony in Florence, wearing Audrey Hepburn shorts, eating pasta, and sipping incredible vino rosso 🍷😍

Photo thanks to Shari Fleming Photography

 Thanks for reading my random travel thoughts. On another note, I have so much exciting Difficult Gifts news to share.

The next few months will start with a second full print-run of Difficult Gifts! Not only will more print copies become available, but an e-book and audiobook are also in the works.

In Minnesota and elsewhere around the USA, I will be doing in-person book signings and speaking events at a number of independent book stores.  Minnesota friends, save these dates for two upcoming events:

Eat My Words Bookstore, Minneapolis: August 20 at 7pm

Magers and Quinn Bookstore, Minneapolis: September 14 at 7pm
More to be announced soon

Additionally, I’m absolutely honored to be the keynote speaker for this year’s ABTA (American Brain Tumor Association) National Conference in September, as well as a speaker for the Australian Peace of Mind Foundation’s Women’s Retreat for Brain Cancer in August.

If you’ve already read Difficult Gifts, thank you. Sincerely, thank you so much. You support means more than I can say. 💕

To everyone who hasn’t read yet, Difficult Gifts is on sale on my website or anywhere books are sold (by request from your local bookstore, online at Barnes and Noble,, Amazon). I hope my story can help you find your own happy 😊

Fondly,

Courtney

©CB2021