Chapter 36: Make a list, then throw it out
Laura Ann Photography
I’ll be honest, this week has been a tough one for me. It may have been the toughest week I’ve ever had in my life. As you all likely did as well, I entered another long week of social distancing. Yikes, I prefer social closeness for sure. It’s emotionally exhausting to wonder “when will this end?” day in and day out.
I continue to work full time as a resident physician, although remotely given my immunosuppressed state. I am working for a virtual urgent care system that primarily “sees” COVID-19 patients. This is rewarding in many ways, as I feel very fortunate to be able to use my medical knowledge to help others who are suffering during this pandemic; however, it is also emotionally draining as a COVID-19 diagnosis understandably brings patients a lot of fear and anxiety. I also worry daily about my friends working on the front lines in the hospital during this time.
On top of this, I spent an exciting 8-hour day in the hospital this week planning for my own upcoming chemotherapy and radiation treatment, set to begin in a few days. As I talked to my providers about the side effects, it dawned on me – I will soon lose all of my hair. This could be temporary, or it could be permanent. I’d rather live than have nice hair, so I’ll deal with this. However, I can’t lie and pretend this doesn’t scare me at all. Especially during social distancing times – the thought of shaving my own head once my hair starts to fall out is a little more than I can emotionally handle. I’ll do it, but I won’t be too happy about it. I ordered a wig online this week. Now, that’s a sentence I never thought I would type! I will say, I am excited I’ll get to try out a new hair style every day of the week.
To add to these emotional challenges, I learned this week that my cancer is progressing faster than hoped or expected. I’ll spare you the medical details because I am still processing them myself, but I will admit, everything about my current situation feels a little unfair. I’m ready for some good news, please.
Learning that my cancer is progressing made me think I should start writing a “bucket list.” But at first, all I could think to put on it was travel – Go to Bali, see South America, Africa, return to Thailand, etc. Travel took up much of the list. Given our current COVID-19 situation, unfortunately, I have to be realistic that travel might not be the best thing to put on my bucket list.
As I was sitting at home, feeling sorry for myself at the unfair situation we (all of us) are in, I came across an inspiring quote my beautiful and supportive cousin, Ariel, posted online today. Ironically, this quote came at exactly the right time and happens to be from a book I have currently sitting on my coffee table next in the queue so to speak. This quote is from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo:
“We often see the light everywhere but where we are, and chase after what we think we lack, only to find humbly it was with us all along.”
With this quote, I realized my “bucket list” was all wrong. Sure, I love to travel. I hope I can beat this cancer and see more of the world. However, even if I don’t get to check all of those travel destinations off my list, that’s ok too. I realized my “bucket list” is already complete; in a sense, it has “been with me all along.”
The things that are really important to me on my list are the things I have been doing all my life – building strong, loving relationships with friends and family, learning, teaching, living life to the fullest. I became a doctor (likely with a brain tumor since I’ve probably had this thing for a while! How cool is that?!); I’ve traveled to many beautiful places; I’ve eaten wonderful, indulgent food and drank some really good wine. Although I don’t have a human child, I have a fur child I love very much. I’ve sang inside the Vatican during a mass (Thank you, Minnetonka High School choir!); I’ve lived briefly in Florence and in Chiang Mai; I have incredible friendships and relationships with people who mean the world to me; I have a loving and supportive family; I’ve learned that life is about living in the moment and being grateful for what we have right now. I’ll continue to do all of these things that mean so much to me with whatever time I have left (and hopefully there’s a lot of it left!), most importantly strengthening my relationships with friends and family.
As Thich Naht Hanh says in How to Love, “Resilient trees can weather a violent storm because their roots are deep and firm.” Well, I’m in a storm here, people. The worst storm I’ve ever experienced. My roots are my relationships with the people I love and strengthening those relationships is the most important thing on my bucket list.
“We often see the light everywhere but where we are, and chase after what we think we lack, only to find humbly it was with us all along.” When faced with your own mortality, nothing rings quite so true as this.
My realization of the day: Don’t just plan your bucket list, live it! Every single day.
Fondly,
Courtney
© CB2020