Chapter 35: The girl who flunked P.E. class, a true tale
My incredible brother, Matt, and me, 2018. (Matt is the real runner of the family. My “amazing” 5K is what Matt would do as the warm-up to his warm-up to his run.)
There have been many surprises in my life recently – marital separation, cancer, two brain surgeries, chemo and radiation, a pandemic to name a few – yet the most surprising thing of all is that I’ve recently become a runner.
I can’t explain this illogical development. If you were waiting for a sign that I did indeed have brain surgery, here it is. I’ve lost my mind.
As I mentioned a few chapters ago, I’ve despised running my entire life. I’ve always been pretty nerdy and was quite a studious child, so I got many A grades, except in physical education. I failed PE in elementary school. I was always the sad last-place mile run finisher. I switched to “online PE” in high school. Yes, it was as much of a joke as it sounds. I don’t like to fail.
But now, I’ve lost my mind and the world is falling apart, so naturally, I started to run. I also live very close to Summit Avenue in Saint Paul so I have a gorgeous running path to motivate me. I may be biased, but I think this is one of the most beautiful streets in Minnesota.
Did I mention, I went back to work full-time this week? After my first surgery, I waited 3 weeks to go back to work. This time, I waited 12 days.
My brain likes to stay busy. I could hardly stand not using my medical knowledge to help patients during this pandemic, so I worked on speedy brain recovery – through writing, studying, exercising, resting, and setting a goal. I stuck to that goal. I will not be the last-place mile run finisher, anymore.
I am now working full-time in a “virtual pandemic unit,” a fascinating virtual urgent care for patients with symptoms of COVID-19 with all visits conducted over the internet or phone to prevent unnecessary spread of the virus. Today alone, I “saw” dozens of patients with symptoms of COVID-19. Despite the difficulties of social distancing, please continue to stay home! We still have a long way to go before this thing is “under control.” Staying home, washing your hands, self-isolating if you’re sick, etc- theses things are truly the best things you can do right now for yourself, your loved ones, and our healthcare community.
I’ve decided a daily post-work run is a good idea to clear my mind and focus on being present, rather than worrying about all that is to come. Today, I put on my old running shoes (don’t worry, I’ve already treated myself to cute new running shoes due to this new life development) and headed down Summit Ave, enjoying the crisp spring air and watching one beautiful house after another go by. I didn’t run very fast, but still, I ran. My legs work, my lungs work, so really, I have no excuse not to.
In The Art of Living, Thich Naht Hanh talks often about simple ways to be mindful in our day-to-day lives. This type of mindfulness does not require you to sit in silent meditation, or even to sit anywhere. Instead, it simply requires you to live in the moment and appreciate the moment for what it is. Brushing your teeth? Do it mindfully. Eating dinner? We can do that mindfully too. Exercising? Yep, even that. One quote from Hanh resonated with me on this idea:
“I don’t exercise to get fit or healthier, I do it to enjoy being alive.” Although fitness and physical health are good reasons too, he goes on to explain this idea further…
“With each movement I do, I feel how wonderful it is that I can still do it. Exercising…I enjoy having a body; I enjoy being alive. I accept life and my body just as it is, and I feel so much gratitude.”
I love this outlook of complete acceptance of our body and life, especially now when so much feels out of our control. I have heard so many people complain recently about how “out of shape” they will become with gyms closed, or how much weight they will gain with frequent home snacking.
I have also heard many people complain about how “awful their hair looks” without access to a hair salon. Social distancing really seems to be distressing to many of us as well. I hear often “I’m bored at home all day.”
Hearing people complain about gaining weight during this pandemic, I often think “Lucky you! You have access to food when much of the world doesn’t, or, lucky you! You don’t have to worry about crippling nausea from a brain tumor or chemotherapy.”
Hair looks awful? Lucky you, you have hair! Would you rather rock the soon-to-be-bald radiation hairstyle that I’m planning on? It requires much less upkeep!
Bored at home? Lucky you! You get to be comfortable at home, safe and healthy and out of the hospital.
I don’t mean to sound judgmental of legitimate concerns, but I do want to offer an alternative perspective. COVID-19 is making all of us anxious. Now is not the time to worry about silly things that are out of our control. The Dalai Lama frequently says we should worry if worrying can change the outcome, but if it can’t, then why worry?
If you can still breathe, enjoy the moment of breathing.
If you can still eat, enjoy every bite.
If you can still walk, enjoy each and every step.
If you can still smile, enjoy smiling (or half-smiling as I’ve been experiencing since surgery. Maybe I’m up to 75% now…I’m grateful for being able to smile just a little bit bigger as every day goes by).
If you feel bored at home during this pandemic, enjoy the opportunity to sit, to think, to experience the moment and just be alive. These moments are limited for us all.
“I accept life and my body just as it is, and I feel so much gratitude.” This is not an easy thing to do, and I have to work on it every single day. But try to do this, even just for one moment. Have this compassion for yourself, and it will be so much easier to have compassion for others.
My life lesson for myself today: Even if you flunked PE class, there is still hope for you. Accept your body for what it can do, and what it can’t.
Fondly,
Courtney
© CB2020