Chapter 10: When a book hits you on the head, read the damn book

Sunday, January 5th, 2020:

A few days prior to leaving for Thailand, I was headed into a Sunday evening yoga class. This yoga class had previously been part of my routine for many months and I was particularly nervous about this one because my yoga instructor and good friend had warned me that a headstand was involved in this class in advance. I have been practicing yoga for many, many years but have always had some fear about inversions, headstands in particular. I had never tried one previously and didn’t really intend to this particular week; however, I became more and more obsessed with the idea of perfectly executing a gorgeous headstand on this fateful last yoga class before Thailand. I can’t explain it, but once the seed was planted I had to make it happen.

I worked on those damn headstands for days leading up to Sunday’s class. I practiced them in my apartment, at the gym, in the yoga studio. I fell more times than I can count. I laughed at myself often that week. Eventually, however, I did one. Then I did another, and another, and soon the headstands came naturally. It was as if I could never remember not knowing how to do a headstand, as if it was as natural a thing to do as walk.

How strange, I thought, that our bodies are limited so intensely by our minds.

I tell you this story about headstands for two reasons. One, as I mentioned in an earlier chapter, I’m fairly confident I would not have figured out as soon as I did that anything was out-of-sorts had I not practiced headstands in a yoga class in Thailand that seemed to trigger a partial seizure. Second, on Sunday, January 5th I not only nailed my first in-class yoga headstand, I also experienced an eerie, omniscient moment I have not and will not ever be able to forget.

After far too many hours spent on yoga headstand practice on Sunday, January 5th, I felt confident I would be able to perfect my new skill in class. I left early and stopped at a book store on the way to the gym. I love to read but told myself I was absolutely, under no circumstances, allowed to purchase any books. At all. No more. Ha ha.

I walked into the bookstore and randomly decided to browse through some Buddhist literature. I was trying to find some yoga and Thailand inspiration, I think. I have always been fascinated and impressed by the His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama but had never previously read any of his books. He is a prolific writer and I now recommend his work to everyone. Anyways, while standing under a small shelf of Buddhist literature, I picked up his book called “The Universe in a Single Atom: The Convergence of Science and Spirituality.” Whoa, I got chills. Spirituality and science and Buddhism all in one book? I should buy this. But, no. I promised I would not buy another book today. I put the book back on the shelf above my head and slowly started to back away, not at all happy about it.

THUMP. Ouch, I touched my head where “The Universe in a Single Atom” had literally just fallen off the shelf and hit me smack on the right side of my head (people, this is where a tumor was found weeks later). I took this very strange, very direct book whispering (book yelling?) approach seriously and said, “well, I guess I can buy just one book today...” I raced to the register and bought that book as fast as possible. I don’t know if I believe in signs, but I can tell you this was damn close to one.

“The Universe in a Single Atom” was a fascinating book from start to finish. To quote a small portion of the back cover of this book, “The Dalai Lama presents a brilliant analysis of why all avenues of inquiry- science as well as spiritual- must be pursued in order to arrive at a complete picture of the truth…the legacy of this book is a vision of the world in which our different approaches to understanding ourselves, our universe, and one another can be brought together in the service of humanity.” Ok, this description spoke to me. I may be losing some of you here if you have little interest in Buddhism and/or science, but to me, this shit is fascinating. I love the idea of merging thoughts, ideas, experiments, questions from multiple different areas of study and seeing how they all interact. I was mesmerized by this book and thanked it profusely for hitting me on the head.

I started reading this book a few days before I went to Thailand. I read it while sitting outside of Wat Suan Dok (a gorgeous temple) in Chiang Mai over multiple lunch breaks, and ironically I finished it while waiting for my MRI scan on the day of my first hospital admission. While reading it, I underlined a few passages spoken by the Dalai Lama in this book that really stood out to me. Maybe some of you will find these words comforting, interesting, or at least thought-provoking like I did.

- “If scientific analysis were conclusively to demonstrate certain claims in Buddhism to be false, then we must accept the findings of science and abandon those claims.”

- “I believe that spirituality and science are different but complementary investigative approaches with the same greater goal, of seeking the truth.”

- “Perhaps the most important point is to ensure that science never becomes divorced from the basic human feeling of empathy with our fellow beings. Just as one’s fingers can function only in relation to the palm, so scientists must remain aware of their connection to society at large.”

- “Although Buddhism has come to evolve as a religion with a characteristic body of scriptures and rituals, strictly speaking, in Buddhism scriptural authority cannot outweigh an understanding based on reason and experience...the Buddha advises that people should test the truth of what he has said through reasoned examination and personal experiment”

- “One fundamental attitude shared by Buddhism and science is the commitment to keep searching for reality by empirical means and to be willing to discard accepted or long-held positions if our search finds that the truth is different.”

- “Reality, including our own existence, is so much more complex than objective scientific materialism allow.”

Aa a brief aside, I was raised as a midwestern girl in an extended Catholic family. I went to a Catholic church for years throughout childhood, but could never fully understand or accept the idea of “blind faith” or the idea that spirituality can exist in a realm separate from that of science, etc. I respect my relatives’ religious beliefs deeply and hope that Catholicism, or any religion/spirituality/self-care you practice brings to you what I feel these concepts are intended to bring: comfort, community, and peace.

I am no expert on the Buddhist or the Catholic faith and I am very sure my interpretations of the text I am quoting are simply touching at a thin surface of a subject that experts have worked years to master. All I can say is, opening my mind to a new way of thinking about these topics has brought me happiness and joy. It recently brought me some much-needed zen in the face of a failing marriage. Now, the fact that my brain is 4-days post partial right craniotomy and I can still have a (hopefully) somewhat interesting dialogue about these ideas with whoever you interested readers are brings me great joy and comfort. So, thank you.

I have so many more thoughts to share with you all about this fascinating book and the interesting mental adventures it took me on throughout my time in Thailand. For now, however, I should sleep. Today I successfully stayed awake >8 hours without a nap and also made it on a walk around Target. My decreasing steroid dose led me to purchase only around eight unnecessary snacks instead of ten like last time. So for now, we will call that a major win. Hope I haven’t bored you all to tears.

Let me leave you with my life lesion from this particular experience: When a book hits you on the head, read the damn book.

Fondly,

Courtney

© CB2020