Chapter 61: The best way to beat writer’s block? Writing, I suppose.
Photo with “Fighting Pretty” mini boxing gloves, a non-profit which empowers women battling cancer to feel strong, pretty, and fierce.
I’ll be honest; I’ve been terrible at keeping up with this blog lately and it’s actually been causing me some stress. I saw my wonderful friend Kari yesterday and she said “I don’t think I’ve been able to see your blog posts lately; the last one I saw was weeks ago” to which I embarrassingly responded, “No, you have. I just haven’t written much lately.”
I told Kari that I was worried my blog was becoming pointless, past its prime. There is so much chaos happening in the world and I simply don’t feel qualified to give advice or take up someone’s time that could be spent reading more meaningful information. Kari gave me a soft smile full of wisdom that only a lifelong friend can give, “Keep writing. Your writing is for you.” She was right, as always. I can’t promise you that reading this won’t be a waste of your time. For me, however, writing is therapeutic and I need it.
I think there are a few factors at play in my writer’s block:
1) Working as a chief resident is a busy and very public role. I still feel very strongly about being open with my readers about my journey, but I do feel a bit of new pressure to be more cognizant of every word I put online in this new mentoring role.
2) Chemo has been kicking my ass. Seriously, I’ll tell you more about this one below.
3) I’ve been so busy living my life: enjoying the summer, going on adventures and travels with my boyfriend, writing my book manuscript, finalizing my divorce, comforting my dog (who just needed emergency oral surgery, sheesh), and trying to buy a house (which is damn near impossible right now…. two strong offers on two gorgeous properties were immediately rejected) that my blog writing time has been limited
Anyways, now that you’ve heard all of my excuses, I’ll try to write something interesting.
Chemo is the worst. I didn’t realize this until recently because with brain cancer, the first cycle of treatment is 6 weeks of low-dose chemotherapy with radiation. This low dose of chemo gave me a low appetite, but really not much else.
After that, I started monthly cycles of high-dose chemo. Essentially, my dose of poison was doubled and I now take this high dose for 5 days out of every month. It’s often referred to as a “5/23” cycle. I have 5 days of chemo, then 23 days off. This all sounded great in theory on my first cycle. OK, only 5 days of low appetite and then 23 good days. But, I was very wrong…
Even though I only physically take chemo for 5 days of every cycle, the effects last much longer. For the first 10+ days of the cycle, the chemo is working its poisonous magic to suppress my bone marrow/cell production, giving me basically no immune system while it tries to prevent the cancer cells from coming back. This part of the chemo is surprisingly tolerable, apart from nausea and fatigue. The next two weeks of the cycle, when you would think things would be fine, are unfortunately horrendous. During these two weeks, my bone marrow finally has a chance to produce cells and work normally again, and it does this in overdrive. This leads to my body feeling like it is constantly running a marathon. I suppose it makes sense that my body is working exponentially harder than usual to return to “normal” during these days before more poison is put into my body.
Anyways, maybe that was a very boring story for you all to read. Essentially, I’m just whining, but also, I find it somewhat fascinating that 5 tiny pills a month can knock someone young, semi-strong, and otherwise healthy out for multiple days.
Somehow, I’ve still been able to continue working full time, but it requires more pills that stop the side-effects of other pills (my pantry looks like a frightening nursing home medicine cabinet honestly), many hours of sleep each night, very strong coffee, and a very supportive team of coworkers who understand when I need to work remotely. Thanks, team.
Fortunately, as I’m now on cycle 2 of chemotherapy, I am starting to figure out the pattern of this evil drug. I think I have now mapped out which days of the month I will be tired, nauseated, unable to stay awake more than 5 hours/day, foggy, or otherwise terrible. By cycle 4, I imagine I will have the side effects mapped out down to the hour.
I don’t know that I have anything wise to say today. I always write my blogs the same day as I post them, and I rarely know what I’m going to write in advance. As I type this story for you all to read, it makes me think that maybe simply telling a story about my chemo experience is ok. But, because I’m an overachiever, I’m going to grab a book sitting on my coffee table and flip through it.
In True Refuge by Tara Brach (thanks for this book, Aunt Kathleen!), she says “When we walk through the gateway of truth, we start by recognizing what’s real and intending to accept it. Accepting what is does not mean passive resignation; it is a courageous engagement with the reality of our experience.” I think what Tara Brach means by this is that although we may not love the reality of our situation, it is important to honestly accept and embrace it.
This makes me think- perhaps even though I started this blog with a simple story about my hatred of chemotherapy, maybe telling this story was what I needed to embrace the reality of my situation.
Perhaps acceptance and acknowledgement of the circumstances that suck in our lives is more “courageous engagement” than “passive resignation.” Chemo sucks. COVID still sucks. This housing market sucks. But, I somehow feel more empowered when I accept the reality of these awful things and choose to live my life to the fullest despite them.
We can’t choose the situations life brings, and for many of us, that’s clearer now than ever before. But we can accept the situations, good or bad, engage openly with them, and respond to them in the most positive way we know how.
Huh. I think I just reminded myself why I like writing- I literally had no idea what I was going to say until I sat down and just started aimlessly typing this today. As I was typing, I was thinking, “My god, this is just a bunch of useless rambling. Who will want to read this crap?” But, I kept typing. Then, I grabbed the Tara Brach book sitting on the coffee table in front of me and I read a quote I had underlined about a month ago and I realized, “Wow, this quote actually applies to the shit I’m blabbering on about.”
Suddenly, my rambling and whining became a lesson for my most difficult student: myself.
I just learned something. I just inspired myself to forego passive resignation and to courageously embrace my situation. Chemotherapy, I hate you but I accept that you are happening. You are terrible, but you are saving my life. COVID, I hate you too, but I also accept that you are still happening. You are ruining many things, but you are also teaching us all many lessons I think we needed to learn. House hunting, you are a pain in my ass, but maybe my first two offers were declined because a better house is out there.
I hope reading this brings you a little unintentional inspiration as writing it brought me. Also, if you happen to be selling a charming, low maintenance house in the Twin Cities with a nice yard for a dog and need a buyer, let this girl know :)
Fondly,
Courtney
© CB2020