Chapter 76: From Snail to Lioness
Still photo from video created by: Emily James
I have another scan tomorrow. It will be my first MRI since I finished chemotherapy two months ago and I am truly, simply terrified. With every other scan, I’ve been on chemotherapy and have felt like I’m “doing something” to fight this. Now, I find myself ready to enter the battlefield without any armor.
I’m trying to stay positive and imagine happy news, because perhaps a bit of magic will make it so.
I’ve gotten a bit lost from writing recently, focusing my time and energy outside of medical work on a number of things:
Building a new, wonderful relationship with a man who fills me with happiness
Reading books, so many books. My recent favorites have included Anxious People by Fredrik Backman, Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid, Real Change by Sharon Salzberg, and The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elisabeth Tova Bailey.
Creating a video for Difficult Gifts with a team of incredible women
A few months ago, a team of badass, incredible women contacted me after reading my blog. They told me they were interested in spreading the messages of my writing to a wider audience. I don’t know what I did in this life or another to deserve the incredible gifts these women gave me: friendship, support, time, and creativity, but I am forever grateful. Pooh, Emily, and Kara all read an advance copy of Difficult Gifts and created a video with a reading from the book to share my words with people around the world. I’m in awe of the short film they created, and humbled beyond belief. This video is truly a work of art and, if you’re so inclined, you can take a look at it here:
https://www.elephantlotusbraintumor.com/pre-order
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Once you’ve watched this short film, I have some thoughts about snails to tell you today:
The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating was gifted to me by a family friend and blog reader, and I am endlessly grateful. This book is about an ill, bedridden woman who watches the movements of a snail that lives in a plant on her nightstand. This book is filled with interesting molluscan facts (fascinating to the inner science nerd in me) and absolutely epitomizes the idea of mindfulness. By watching a snail day after day, our protagonist learns to appreciate the mundane, the ordinary, the simple acts of living and breathing and eating, and she learns to find joy in these moments.
I can relate.
Long ago, I wrote a chapter in this blog about feeling like a snail. I wrote the snail blog chapter shortly after my first brain surgery, a mere nine months ago (holy shit, can you believe that?!), when every task seemed nearly impossible to me. Walking the halls of my apartment building, tying my shoes, taking a shower- these tasks were akin to running a marathon every moment of every day.
Now, less than a year later, after not one but two brain surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy, I can hardly remember feeling like a snail at all. Now, I feel like a lioness. Each movement feels powerful, purposeful, performed with intention. I don’t know if it’s possible to feel like a lioness without having once been a snail. The contrast is real. The mundane is no longer mundane; it is joyous. I roar when I once whispered. I leap where I once crawled. I devour what I once ate. I hunt where I used to hide.
I am no longer the snail. I am the lioness. But, this transformation did not come without pain. It did not come without suffering. It did not come without many moments of fear, of loneliness, of self-reflection, of learning, of forgetting, of re-learning, of taking risks.
A snail may be small and slow, but it is a creature that survives. A person suffering, a person with illness, a person with heartbreak- we have all been this person. We have all been the snail. The question is, how do we metamorphose from snail to lion?
“We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” ~Marcel Proust
As I sit here, thinking about this question, I’m realizing that perhaps we are not one or the other, not snail or lion, not scared or brave, not suffering or joyful. Perhaps, to find happiness, we must be both snail and lion. When we embody one, we must not forget that we also embody the other.
Happy New Year, you wonderful people. Honestly, things can only go up from here. Stay healthy, stay safe, stay kind. I don’t love the idea of New Year’s resolutions, but I do like the idea of living with intention. Just remember to have compassion for yourself regardless of the outcome. You may find yourself as the lion, or you may find yourself as the snail. Fortunately, both are beautiful creatures, as are you.
Fondly,
Courtney
©CB2021