Chapter 95: A Love Letter: Through cancer, I found my treasure

To you,

Just over one year ago, I made an online dating profile. In the first line, I introduced myself as “your typical 30-year-old physician, writer, and brain cancer warrior.”

Thanks Shari Fleming Photography for the great dating profile image

I was looking for a partner in this crazy and unusual life. Some were startled by my introduction. Some danced around the subject, some avoided it completely. But, I knew the right person would understand why it was important for me to be up front about this and would never shy away from one of many tough conversations required for a life with me.

Your opening message to me was, “Hello, badass! My [family member] is a recent cancer survivor. After going through the physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges of it all she seems to be an even happier person. It seems to provide a wonderful context for all of life.”

Just like that, I knew I had met the one. I mean, could this message have been any more in tune with my own outlook on living with cancer? It wasn’t a message of sadness, of “I’m sorry,” or of simple optimism. It was a message of understanding that, through challenges, we can find healthier perspectives and maybe even happiness along the way.

Our first virtual date (COVID safe) was that evening. We texted about all of the deep things women are taught to never talk about on a first date: our previous marriages and divorces, our thoughts on children, on politics, on religion, on life and on death. We talked for hours. We were vulnerable and were clearly looking for a partner we didn’t even believe existed- one who shared our values, our ability to live in the moment, to appreciate art in all its forms, to live fast knowing time is precious.

The following day, we met for an outdoor walk. A few days after my birthday, you were thoughtful enough to bring a gift. Good thing the date went well! You brought me The Alchemist, one of our favorite books. I had read this book many times, but had lost mine after lending it. In this book, you had written an inscription- “Some comfort food for the mind and soul.”

Damn. That was that and I knew it immediately. After that date, I told my mom I had met “the one,” something I don’t even think I believed in previously. Turns out you had told your mom the same. As you know, I loved my first husband very much, but I was young, and my personality was more akin to a paint-by-number, whereas as I’ve aged it’s become more like Rhythme n1 by Robert Delaunay, a paint-by-number gone a bit rogue but with more depth. Luckily, when we saw this abstract piece in Paris, you loved it as much as I did.

Over the last year, we’ve shared hopes, fears, laughs, tears, successes, and failures. We’ve worked on communication, understanding, and showing love even on the days it’s toughest to do so.

We’ve hiked in the Yucca Valley, survived an epic snow storm in Texas (wouldn’t have missed it for the world, M and J!), packed and mailed about 1000 copies of Difficult Gifts after it’s initial publication, taken amazing drives in some awesome rides, and even managed to make two very independent dogs into harmonious house mates.

We’ve seen the fountains of Rome, views over Florence from the Duomo, and climbed the Eiffel Tower in Paris. We’ve danced at galas, strolled the Champs-Élysées, tasted Brunello in Montalcino, and moved into our gorgeous dream home.

Yet, my favorite memories are the more mundane ones. Taking the dogs on walks, watching the sunset, falling asleep next to you, reading books by the fireplace, drinking coffee and binging something silly on Netflix. Celebrating these simple moments together for as long as we’re lucky enough to have them is the best part of our relationship.

For those who haven’t read The Alchemist, I was going to say I won’t give too much away, but sheesh- you’ve had years to read it- so take these spoilers are your not-so-subtle nudge to finally pick up a copy.

A boy searches far and wide for his treasure. He travels all around the world, having amazing adventures, falling in love, finding new perspectives, learning the meaning of life. Yet, he still cannot find his treasure.  It is not until he returns back home, to the most simple place of all- the mundane moment and place he started in- that he finds what he has been looking for.

“Wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.” ~Paulo Coelho

Despite cancer, despite my uncertain time line (well, all of our uncertain time lines), we’ve found love. We didn’t need to look far, we simply needed to look within. To find love in each other, we first looked inside ourselves. We looked to see what lines of our personalities and values had to stay in the lines we had so carefully painted and what colors looked better outside of these boundaries. Once we independently learned that ordinary moments are life’s greatest treasures, we were able to find and treasure one another.

 Moments turn out to be so much better with you, my fiancé.

All my love,

That badass cancer chick who has loved you from day one

Fondly, 

Courtney 

© CB2021