Chapter 31: No Mud, No Lotus. No Resilience, no Recovery.

Laura Ann Photography

Sunday, March 22nd, 2020: Sitting in bed, realizing that post- craniotomy recovery plans do not look much different then COVID-19 distancing plans

With everything going on in our messy, unpredictable world right now, I really struggled to think of something that would be helpful, or just plain amusing, to share with you all today. I feel like we are all living in a time of information overload, some good, some useless, and most of it quite distressing. I don’t want to add to the list of distressing, hopeless reading material on your to-do list between busy days of naps and stress-baking, so I decided to write four short segments for you today. If you feel up for it, send me a message and let me know what segment you prefer, and I can tailor future blog posts to revolve around that type of idea.

I feel that I can offer a few various perspectives deepening on what you dear readers are interested in: that of an immunosuppressed, recovering brain cancer patient during a pandemic, that of overwhelmed and slightly terrified resident physician during a pandemic, that of a novice, yet vey studious Buddhist practitioner trying to spread happiness and relieve suffering of herself and others mid-pandemic, or that of a 29-year old recently single woman now trying to navigate the dating scene for the first time in her life not only mid-pandemic but also with two rather large incisions in her skull. Next time you feel overwhelmed, I hope the idea of balancing these four various personalities brings you a little chuckle.

As promised, segment #1: Immunosuppressed, recovering brain cancer patient during a pandemic. AKA, back to that snail-paced life.

- My snail pace is back, friends. I had forgotten the horrible feeling of profound fatigue since my fist post-op days, but it is back in full force today. My steroids are back on board, leading to crippling nightly insomnia and an urgent need for a snack around 3am each morning. Of course, the steroids give me such bad heartburn that my 3am snack is both a blessing and a curse.

- Today, I had an eventful day of binging Netflix, eating everything in sight (including a box of delectable Girl Scout Cookies my mother thoughtfully picked up in advance for my “steroid snackies”), reading a few books, ordering Chipotle contact-less delivery and washing my hands every 15 minutes. Perhaps this schedule sounds familiar to some of you social distancing folks?

- Really not so odd apart from the crushing pain in my skull and an inability to eat without looking like a year old stroke patient.. In case my recovery was starting to look too boring and easy, let me tell you that when neurosurgeons dig a baseball-sized tumor out of your right frontal lobe, this can irritate the nerves that control the left-side of you face. This should improve with time, but for now, I am a snail with a sad little half-smile. This will be perfect for my dating profile, see segment 4 below.

Segment #2: Overwhelmed and slightly terrified resident physician during a pandemic

- I know you’ve heard it. Stay home!

- Also, healthcare providers need PPE. We need masks, gowns, gloves, etc. Thank you to many wonderful local teams helping with donations/collections. If any of my family and friends are hoarders of these much-needed goods, please let me know and I will find a way to help you donate these to our local hospitals who desperately need them.

- For an example, when I was in the ICU recovering from my surgery, none of my nurses, lab techs, or surgeons were wearing masks (outside of the operating room) because there are simply not enough. I know and work with many brilliant healthcare providers who have already started to feel ill but cannot get access to testing supplies and/or masks when needed.

- I appreciate the local, friendly response of many people sewing masks for healthcare providers. As medical providers, we will continue to treat out patients and we will not run away. But really, would you want to go into battle wearing a hand-sewn helmet? Especially post brain surgery as I plan to do in 3+ weeks or as soon as able? PPE, now please!!

Segment #3: Novice, yet vey studious Buddhist practitioner trying to spread happiness and relieve suffering of herself and others mid-pandemic

- Today, I started a fabulous new book by Thich Nhaat Hanh called “No Mud, No lotus.”

- Many people are familiar with the concept that the lotus flower is a powerful symbol of growth and enlightenment in Buddhism, as it’s beautiful petals bloom forth from long stalks that grow up out of muddy waters. This imagery can be applied to many aspects of our lives, especially now. Even when things look dark, muddy, and hopeless, the lotus flower reminds us that it is still possible for beauty, happiness, and enlightenment to emerge from this muddy place.

- In this timely and beautiful book, Thich Nhaat Hanh shares some profound, yet simple, words of wisdom that I have found very helpful to reflect on as I face my new life.

- In a strange and inexplicable way, my world was turned upside down 2 months ago when I was diagnosed with brain cancer in an old-school MRI machine in Thailand. My intricately-planned life was put on hold and I started to carefully reexamine my goals, my values, my “perfect plans.” My perspectives changed. As hard as this might be to believe, my cancer diagnosis made me a happier person, less concerned with my own suffering as I woke up to see the suffering of others all around me in a way I had never been quite able to do prior.

- Perhaps, life was preparing me to face an even bigger challenge. I will not pretend I have any special wisdom or qualifications to teach you anything with my new-found perspectives, but if you’re still reading, I will share some ideas that have been helpful to me in the process. My “Process” was essentially letting go of the way I planned for my life to look, and instead, living in the moment as it actually looks.

- When life gives you mud, grow your own damn lotus out of it!

- If my thoughts can be of any support, I want to use them to help others face the wild ride of an uncertain life I’ve already come to call normal, a life of living in the moment with no certainty of the future. Its’s unsettling but also underestimated. Welcome to the club, my friends.

- This is not necessarily the coolest secret magic-tree house-type club you’ve always wanted your hand-delivered invitation for, but regardless, I’ll share some clubhouse rules that I’ve found helpful during my time here, along with Hanh’s much more eloquent phrasing if you are interested in the deeper philosophy.

o No mud, no lotus. Hanh says, “You can’t grow lotus flowers on marble. Without mud, there can be no lotus.”

o No suffering, no happiness. Hanh’s more beautiful summary of this idea states, “When we suffer, we tend to think that suffering is all there is at that moment, and happiness belongs to some other time or place. People often ask, “Why do I have to suffer?” thinking we should be able to have a life without any suffering is as deluded as thinking we should be able to have a left side without a right side…If the left says, “Right, you have to go away. I don’t want you. I only want the left-“ that’s nonsense, because then the left would have to stop existing as well. If there’s no right, then there’s no left. When there is no suffering, there can be no happiness either, and vice versa.”

o No dying, no living. Hanh says “one unnecessary suffering that we can let go of is the suffering of fear…Many people suffer due to the fear of dying…you think that you will die in a few years, or twenty years, or thirty years. That’s not true. You are dying now. you have been dying all the time. It’ actually very pleasant to die, which is also to live” Basically, Hanh goes on to say that cells in our bodies are constantly dying and new cells are constantly being born. The scientist in me likes this idea.

o No fear, no joy. Hanh states, “When we are full of fear, we are often completely focused on preventing the event that we dread, and we forget that joy is also possible even in an unpredictable world.” Yes!! This is so true. Unpredictable does not have to equal unpleasant.

o No war, no peace. Hanh lived in Vietnam during the war and states so eloquently that “during the war, it was difficult to see our way though that dark and heavy mud…Every day people would ask me if I thought the war would end soon. It was very difficult to answer, because there was no end in sight. But I knew if I said, “I don’ know,” that would only water their seeds of despair. So when people asked me that question, I replied, “Everything is impermanent, even war. It will end some day.” I’ve thought about this sentiment often since being faced with a personal war on cancer and a global war on COVID-19. Like Hanh, I have to think, it will end some day.

Segment #4: 29-year old recently single woman now trying to navigate the dating scene for the first time in her life not only mid-pandemic with social distancing in place but also with two rather large incisions in her skull and a funny looking half-smile due to temporary nerve irritation. If nothing else on this blog was helpful for you, I hope this thought at least brings you a sense that life is a wonderful friend, but also a cruel asshole sometimes.

Fondly,

Courtney

© CB2020