Chapter 24: Extra-large courage
Laura Ann Photography
Saturday, March 7th, 2020:
Where to begin? This week was a whirlwind filled with many highs and lows. I worked a light, but full week in clinic. I caught up with many colleagues I had not seen in quite some time.
Some of my colleagues were very familiar with my recent diagnosis and outlook from reading this blog. Others were less familiar but knew I had been diagnosed with something. Many seemed nervous to talk to me, as if they didn’t know what to say or where to start. A few seemed to have no idea anything was different in my life. This was refreshing, but also odd.
One thing I find intriguing about this whole ordeal is the incredible variety of reactions I receive from others. It is amazing how you can tell two different people the same exact news and they react in two unique ways. I never know exactly what to expect, which is both thrilling and exhausting.
Colleagues and friends asked me a fascinating variety of questions this week. Here is a list of questions colleagues used to ask me prior to my diagnosis:
- How are you?
- How is your dog?
- How is your work schedule?
- Have any fun plans this weekend?
To counter this, here are just a few of the questions colleagues asked me this week:
- “Are you back at work for good?”
- “Why didn’t they shave your head (during surgery)?”
- “Do you feel different?”
- “How is your family handling this?”
- “Are you actually a Buddhist?”
- “What is the pathology of your tumor?”
- “What is your prognosis?
- "Have you looked up any research studies on your treatment plan?”
- “Will they need to shave more of your head for the next surgery?”
- “Where were you this month? Did you take a break from work?” (I guess he missed the memo)
- “Are you actually getting divorced?”
- “What medications are you on?”
The list could go on and on and on. Now, I don’t mind these questions and actually find it quite sweet that my colleagues care so much. However, you can imagine that the questions from the first list take slightly less time and energy to answer than the questions from the second list.
Therefore, I am exhausted. Not only did I return to work this week; I also apparently entered a very different world than I was living in before.
Today, I have a headache. I am tired. I attempted to go to the gym this morning after consuming two giant mugs of coffee. I only made it twenty minutes on the StairMaster. This was frustrating and put me in a bad mood. More coffee, please.
I sit here now, resting, snuggling with my dog, and finishing my most recent read, “How to Expand Love” written by (you guessed it) His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Now, I don't want to give you the impression that I only read books by one author. I love to read. I am usually immersed in about 5-6 different fiction and non-fiction books at any one time. However, The Dalai Lama has these beautiful quotes that are so simple and relatable, yet so profound, that I find myself including them in my blog posts more than many other authors.
In this book, the Dalai Lama teaches us to expand love and compassion for others. In one section, he speaks about hardships in life. He states:
“When we get entangled in a difficult situation, if our will, or courage, lessens, if we fall into laziness or feel inferior to the task, thinking that we could not possibly undo this difficulty, this diminishment of will cannot protect us from suffering and will likely make more."
He goes on to say my new favorite quote of all time:
"We must generate courage equal to the size of the difficulties we face."
I am facing what I would consider an “extra-large” size set of difficulties in the present moment. I am a full-time resident physician nearing graduation; I am recovering from a partial craniotomy; I have cancer; I am mentally preparing for a second craniotomy; I am responsible for the life of a very sweet, high-energy dog; I forgot my friend’s Hulu password and can’t catch up on the second season of Killing Eve.
I have decided, therefore, that I must generate an extra-large size amount of courage to overcome these difficulties.
How will I do this? Good question. Well, I am trying to expand my courage by sharing my own happiness, love, and compassion with others.
You are likely thinking: what the hell is she talking about? At first, I thought this too.
However, Buddhist philosophy tells us that we can give away our own happiness using love and similarly, we can take away others’ suffering using compassion.
There are many books written about this topic by teachers who have studied this subtle philosophy for many, many years. I will not pretend I am qualified to write an instruction manual on how to be a Buddhist or how to interpret this subtle philosophy. However, I will attempt to summarize a powerful idea that I try to use to create extra-large courage.
The Dalai Lama states that when we “give away” our own happiness and use compassion to help relieve others’ suffering, this mental imagery can "increase determination and willpower, while creating a peaceful atmosphere.”
When we experience personal misfortune, such as illness, The Dalai Lama goes on to suggest:
“May this illness or misfortune serve as a substitute for the suffering of all sentient beings…This will keep your suffering from getting worse through fretting about it, and it will enhance your courage.”
To summarize:
-Be kind. Be happy. Be compassionate towards others.
-If worrying will not help, why worry?
-Let your own illness or misfortune serve to benefit others and relieve others’ suffering.
-Extra-large difficulties require extra-large courage.
-By sharing your kindness, love, happiness, and compassion with others, you can grow your own courage.
-You got this.
Thanks for reading and happy Saturday.
Fondly, Courtney
© CB2020