Chapter 1: The Diagnosis
January 2020:
Today, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I can tell you, without a doubt, that this is the very last sentence I thought I would write as the opening line to my first novel but here we are. To my friends and family, my colleagues, or simply anyone interested in a crazy twist of fate, I hope you find this blog interesting, real, a little humorous, and filled with joy. What is life, if not a wild adventure to be shared with others? Let’s find some wild and quirky happiness together.
My name is Courtney. I’m a 29-year-old resident physician in internal medicine. I grew up near Minneapolis, Minnesota and am currently a PGY-3 (third year resident) at the University of Minnesota. I love working as a physician. It shapes my identity and has so for the majority of my adult life. The medical field can be an all-consuming practice. From the moment you decide to work as a physician, life is filled with studying, testing, jumping through hoops and then jumping back through them backwards just to see if you can. I did this dance for a number of years, graduating high up in my class at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in 2017 and matching into my first choice spot for residency back in my home state of Minnesota at the world-renowned University of Minnesota Internal Medicine Residency program the summer of 2017. Nearly three years later, I have been thankful on a daily basis that I chose to join a residency program filled with brilliant minds, fascinating patients, incredible teachers, and endless educational opportunities. I have spent the last three years cultivating my passions in medical education and hospital medicine and recently committed to spending an additional year post-graduation working as chief medical resident to expand my skill set in medical education prior to working at my dream institution in hospital medicine. All of this, keep in mind, I had worked tirelessly to organize over the past three years of residency. I am a type-A, neurotic life planner and finally, finally had my dream career path set in motion. I could see the future. I knew what was coming. I was excited beyond belief.
Although my professional life was steamrolling forward in all of the best ways, my personal life recently went through some hiccups. I married my high-school sweetheart at age 23 and had 5 wonderful years of marriage with my best friend. Residency, a bout of depression, and personality changes coming simply with age led to the dissolution of our marriage around three months ago. My husband and I separated, remaining as wonderful friends, and decided to live independently (for the first time in either of our adult lives) to gain clarity before moving forward with life, with kids, with all that society expected of us. Two months ago, I rented myself a U-haul, packed up my belongings, and moved myself into a beautiful, feminine apartment across town. Our furry dog baby, Ridley, was just beginning to experience a life of shared custody like the precious, spoiled child that she is when it was time for me to head off on an exciting global health adventure.
Throughout all of these changes, both well-formulated professional plans and chaotically-disintegrating personal plans, a pre-planned global health rotation in Chiang Mai, Thailand loomed on the horizon.
Why Thailand, you might wonder? First off, I have a number of friends from Thailand who work with me in Minnesota. I love hearing about their hometowns, their friendly culture, delicious food, and Buddhist spirituality. I have always been fascinated by Eastern/complimentary medicine and loved the idea of visiting Thailand to work in the Thai Traditional and Complementary Medicine Clinic. Here, I planned to learn Thai massage, acupuncture, and other traditional eastern medical methods to supplement my knowledge of western medical practices. I believe a good physician is a well-rounded physician. Science and evidence-based medicine are key components of my practice; however, I feel there is more to the field of medicine than science can fully explain. Medicine involves humanity, birth and death, consciousness, connections, relationships, suffering and relief. Medicine involves cultural awareness, religion, spirituality, personal beliefs, wishes and goals. Medicine involves science, but so much more than science as well. I decided to visit Thailand to expand my knowledge of all of these aspects of the medical field in order to be a more sensitive, understanding, and compassionate physician.
Given the ironically timed breakdown of my marriage, I left for Thailand with a newfound sense of independence, of freedom, of fear, but also of hope. I figured Thailand was going to become my “Eat, Pray, Love” journey of self-exploration and self-acceptance. Little did I know just how transformative this journey would be.
Fondly,
Courtney
© CB2020