Chapter 129: “Living with”

This week, I turned 35. This was not a guarantee for a woman living with brain cancer (her royal highness anaplastic astrocytoma took up residence 5+ years ago) and it felt monumental to celebrate being 35 and still alive- truly, vibrantly, and passionately alive!

I’ve spent the last few months exploring the world between shifts at work caring for inspiring patients. I’ve been able to serve as an advisor to a group of incredible medical students, fundraise an enormously impactful amount as a board member with the Humor to Fight the (Brain) Tumor Foundation, and enjoy countless wonderful moments with my husband, family, and friends. I am lucky. I am happy. I am also, in full honesty, often sad.

My gratitude for ongoing stable scans, health of loved ones, supportive relationships, and various achievements is vast. Yet, nothing can truly take away the constant background noise of living with [cancer].

Living with is a mindset I’m finding significantly more challenging than “being diagnosed with” or “fighting” or even “sick with.” Living with is a passive yet omnipotent and unsettling companion in my life.

For those close to me, I am for all intents and purposes living a “normal” and healthy life. This is not an illusion- I am working, traveling, cleaning, socializing, cooking (or trying to), running errands, exercising, reading, writing, and walking the dogs. I’m still alive and I am thriving in many ways that fill me with gratitude and joy.

But, the longer I’m living with cancer, the more I understand the burden this shadow puts on me. I will never go one day without thinking about it, will never fall asleep and wake up from its nightmare, will never be blissfully unaware of its mortality- my constant looming uninvited guest.

I am surely not the only one living with this constant tinnitus. I am one of many with these feelings from cancer, yet there are millions of other intrusive reminders we all face. There are those of us living with chronic illness, with socioeconomic stressors, with grief, with inequality, with fear, with uncertainty, with unfulfilled or broken dreams.

As I receive the gift of a 35th year, my challenge, my privileged treasure hunt becomes this: How do we turn a mindset of living with to simply living? Truly, vibrantly, and passionately living? I will do my best to find out.

Fondly,

Courtney

©️ CB2025