Chapter 123: Morning Coffee
I woke up feeling frazzled this morning. After a busy 7-day stretch working with patients in the hospital, I was torn as always between the pull of relaxation my exhausted brain and body desired and the ever-growing checklist of life I had fallen behind on in those 7 days. To sleep, or to get groceries? To relax with my dogs, or to respond to the dozens of emails received from the non-hospital side of my job? To read a new book with a steaming mug of coffee, or to get my exhausted body into the gym where my guilty conscious remembers I am paying for a membership? AHH!
Is this relatable? We don’t all work a bizarre 7-day, 80ish hour workweek followed by 7-days “off” (to attend to our other jobs, hobbies, families, and responsibilities), but I imagine many of us feel this way regardless of our career description.
After silencing my morning alarm more times than I care to admit, I looked at my schedule for the “day off.” Every hour was full. My poor calendar had to start overlapping events that I had previously written down as necessary for today to be successful.
Overwhelmed, and more exhausted than I was before opening that dreaded calendar, I moved my tired body to the couch for much-needed coffee. As I sipped, I started to think about death.
Please don’t stop reading. Death is a word we tend to associate with fear and sadness, but I now see it as a simple fact of life.
Sip of coffee, thought of death. Sip of coffee, thought of “what if this is my last day?”
Really, what if it is? I feel healthy. My scans have shown that I am as close to cancer-free as brain tumor survivors get. I have a well-controlled blood pressure and I’m not one to take extreme physical risks. But what if I cross the street and get hit by a car? What if an act of violence in our world’s unrest comes to my town? What if one of an infinite number of unforeseeable, unwanted events leads me to unexpectedly take my last breath?
What would I truly want to do with today?
Coffee- continue.
Gym- it can wait.
Respond to many neglected emails- I’ll try my best, but if I don’t make it through them, I’ll take a breath and forgive myself.
Attend afternoon meetings- Necessary. Even if this is my last day, I won’t neglect the duties that I have committed to, especially those that might help others.
Meeting prep- I’ll do it, but I won’t let it bring me stress. It’s not as life-or-death as it felt before I took a moment to think about what that really means.
Relax with my family and my dogs- absolutely.
Write a blog – Yes. Not because I’m “overdue” and it’s on my checklist (which it is, and perhaps it doesn’t need to be) , but because I feel inspired to share the thoughts that bounce around my tired brain today.
I encourage you to think about death today, too. Would you change anything? Would some of those tasks on your list feel less important? Would you add tasks to the list that benefit your spirit more than your resume?
Despite how healthy I am today, I hope I never stop thinking about death. A thought that used to be frightening is now motivating. It’s a thought experience that wakes me up to the beauty of each new day- one in which I am still breathing, the sun is still shining, and I still have the choice to decide how to use these gifted 24 hours.
To questions without answers, to days without deadlines, to the impermanence of this life: I am grateful.
Fondly,
Courtney
©️ CB2024
PS- Last week, hundreds of people attended the Humor to Fight the Tumor gala in Minneapolis. As a proud board member and speaker, it was an absolute honor. I am thankful to everyone involved more than words can express. Humanity was visible, palpable. You brought me hope.